I am afraid

"The gospels list some 125 Christ-issued imperatives. Of these, twenty-one urge us to "not be afraid" or "not fear" or "have courage" or "take heart" or "be of good cheer." The second most common command, to love God and neighbor, appears on only eight occasions. If quantity is any indicator, Jesus takes our fear seriously." Max Lucado, Fearless

I read somewhere that you need to write about what hurts because that's what matters. So here goes nothing:

I am afraid of geese and drains in parking lots. 

Bad storms still have the ability to turn me into a five-year-old hiding her head in the couch like an ostrich in the sand.

Some days, I'm still that quiet, insecure fourteen-year-old girl afraid that nobody really cares if she's here or not. 

My biggest fear though?

Gonna have to say "What is the future for $1000, Alex"

Not knowing where I'm gonna be, what I'll be doing, or who I'll be with in two years, well frankly, that kinda terrifies me. The issue of who I will marry has been a struggle for me for a while. But I really wasn't too concerned from March until a week or so ago. Y'all, I really rocked the contented, in love with Christ only thing this summer. Then I got back to the real world. Now I struggle to love Christ enthusiastically. I worry that I'll give in and settle for the American dream and not live a life that matters. I worry I'll either be too scared to move away when I graduate and I'll marry a man who wants to stay in meridian his whole life or that I'll never find someone to change my last name for. 

But as I just read in Psalms 34, the Lord never withholds good from those who seek him. So I know I can trust him to give me exactly what I need, at exactly the right time. He is never late or early. So that's me, a little scaredy cat. In spite of all that, I know I am loved and protected by Christ and his undying love for me. 

 

 

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