I love control. I'm not a control freak exactly but I don't like to be left to the whims of others. In fact, I kind of hate it. I want to be in control of myself and know what's gonna happen. Good or bad, I'd rather know so I can face it and deal with it head on. I'd like to think of myself as a patient person and when it comes to the small things like waiting in line or waiting for some fun event next week, I am pretty good at it. But when it comes to the big life events, I'm horrible at it. I stress and over think and imagine exactly how it will be.
The last big event was getting my first full time job. God definitely tried to teach me patience and to trust in his timing with my year at home applying for jobs. Although I don't know how well I learned the lesson because now I find myself in a new stage of waiting, impatience and ready to jump ahead again.
Recently I wrote about my struggle with singleness and how God told me I wasn’t created to be single. Accepting that and making the mindset change was hard. However, now that I am preparing to being a Christ-like wife to my future husband and am no longer focusing on being content with my singleness, I'm just aching to find the man I'm supposed to live my life with. I want to have that person who is my person now.
Part of the reason I'm impatient is because moving to a new place is daunting and exciting all at the same time and in some ways, it would be easier to face this adventure with a partner by my side. I don't know why this season of singleness is harder than the last one. Maybe it's because of the anticipation now that God has told me to prepare myself for a husband; I'm ready to be done with the preparing. Let me skip the work stage and go straight to the payoff. Right? I mean who doesn't feel that way sometimes. Then it's hard because so many people my age are married or engaged or soon to be engaged. And let's be honest here, not comparing yourself to others in the day where people post about all the good things that happen to them is hard.
Let me be clear here and say I don't begrudge you your happy, celebratory posts. I want to know about how your life is turning out, and I am so thankful that I live in an era where I can keep up with the sweet friends from past stages of my life. All that being said, it doesn't make it easy to be ok with waiting for the right relationship.
Everyone tells me that 23 is so young and in the scheme of things, I'm sure it is. But right here and now, I am the oldest I have ever been. I don't know what it feels like to be 40 or 55. I only know how the years up to 23 feel, and it doesn’t feel all that young to me.
It's hard when a lot of your peers are "a stage ahead of you." It's hard when you were in a relationship that you thought was leading towards marriage but didn't. It’s hard when you hear songs like “Brand New” by Ben Rector or “I’m in the Mood for Love” by Ingrid Michaelson. It’s hard when you watch movies with sweet romance subplots. It’s hard when you’ve only dated one guy and that was four years ago. It’s hard to not get discouraged when guys just don’t seem to ask you out.
So yeah, I am young and I am mostly content with being single but it’s not easy. I don’t want to do the work to prepare myself for marriage. I don’t want to learn what it means to run to God 100% in my loneliness. I just want to skip the waiting and growing stage and be in the doing stage. But I’m not ready now and saying it out loud feels raw and vulnerable and more real than anything I’ve ever published before. And more likely than not, the man I’m going to marry isn’t ready for it yet either. Or maybe he is and he’s just waiting for the mess that is me to grow up and be ready. In which case, I am sorry for making you wait but it might be good practice for the future. If you're reading this, know that I'm going to make you wait for me to grow up a lot.
I don’t know how God’s doing it but I hope there’s something in his life right now that’s mentally preparing my husband for what it will be like to date and be married to a woman who processes her feelings through writing and feels called to share the raw and vulnerable and messiness of her life with the world. Because I don’t know what it looks like to be in a relationship with someone else and go through struggles, and then write about it with a grace that honors the other person but still manages to tell the truth. It took me three years of blogging to feel comfortable writing about my first relationship, and even then I only wrote a paragraph when I have and had so many more words inside of me.
To the person who read through my emotional word vomit and feels the same way, check out these posts: http://www.delightedinhim.org/wait-for-the-man-who-preaches-you-the-gospel/ and http://thesoulscripts.com/blog/seeking-or-settling.
And know that the waiting is usually worth it. Anna waited all her life to meet Jesus, and it was worth it. One day, we will be ready and the right person will be ready and it will all come together. I will know how to find companionship in Christ before all others and hopefully I will have learned how to write about others in a way that gives them grace. Until then, here’s to waiting.
Thanks to Alanna Tedder for pointing my thoughts in the right direction and sending me the Soul Scripts post.